An Akatsuki Thanksgiving
by Shashuko the Paisley Maiden
Summary: It's Thanksgiving at the Akatsuki lair! Read as everyone's favorite missingnins discuss food, family, and the tape of Hidan getting his ass kicked by Kakuzu. WARNINGS: Oneshot, Hidaxkuzu hints, Itachi off his lithium meaning he's got actual emotions.


"Well, then," Pein said awkwardly. "Here we have the food... made by Konan." Konan smiled and nodded her head.

"The tablecloth.. borrowed from Kakuzu."

_'Stolen is more like it," _Kakuzu muttered under his breath.

"The idea to celebrate this stupid holiday at all... Kisame," Deidara added, imitating the Akatsuki leader. Everyone laughed.

"Well... then..." Pein trailed off.

"Let's eat?" supplied Konan.

"YES PLEASE!" said both halves if Zetsu at the same time.

Itachi spoke. "... Wait."

"What is it, Itachi?" Pein asked the Uchiha clan murderer.

"Shouldn't we say grace...?" Itachi pointed out. "If we're doing this Thanksgiving thing, we might as well go all the way."

Everyone looked at Kisame, who shrank slightly. "I nominate Deidara!" he said quickly.

"No, un, you thought of this, you say grace. Besides, I don't know how." the blonde bomber looked away, embarrassed.

"I'LL DO IT!" yelled Hidan, who hadn't been able to say so before because Kakuza had reached his arm across the table to hold his hand over the Jashin preist's mouth.

"Well, then, Hidan," Konan said, smirking, "Show us how it's done."

Hidan took a deep breath, closed his eyes, hung his head, and clasps his hands together. Everyone copied him (whien Deidara clasps his hands together, he giggled and got a glare from Sasori).

"Thank you, Lord Jashin, for granting us this feast so we may have the strength to kill mercilessly onward."

"Amen," said the remaining Akatsuki.

"Dig in," Leader said.

There was turkey, mashed potatoes (with gravy! with gravy!), stuffing, some of which was cooked inside the brid and some of which wasn't, yams (with marshmallows! with marshmallows!), cider, sparkling lemonade, and of course some turkey blood for Zetsu.

"Thish ish shooooo good," Kisame said, while chewing his massive turkey leg.

Konan smiled. "I'm glad you like it," she said politely. "I'd say I made it the way my mom used to, but anything she made was inedible, sooo..."

Everyone laughed at this.

"I know, right?" Kisame said. "My mom always burned everything, so my dad did all the cooking. He made the best mashed potatoes..." the shark man got a reminicsing look in his eye. "Of course, they both died on a mission when I was ten," he laughed. "So what can you do?"

"The Uchiha clan Thanksgivings were very... quiet," Itachi said quietly. "Not bright or festive, either. And..." he winced. "Neither of my parent could cook, so I..." the Uchiha murderer looked away, embarrassed.

"You did all the cooking?" Deidara gasped. "Was it even edible?"

Itachi glared at the offender. "It was, thank you," he replied huffily. "I'm quite good at cooking."

"Then, how come every time it's your turn to get dinner, you buy dango?" Sasori pointed out.

"..." Itachi turned his glare to Sasori. "Just because I'm good at cooking doesn't mean I _enjoy_ it."

"Hear, hear!" Kakuzu said.

Silence reigned. And then--

"HAHAHAHAHA! Kakuzu (bleep)ing cooks?!?" Hidan laughed. "DAMN my (bleep)ing gut hurts!"

Kakuzu threw his portion of mashed potatoes at Hidan. Hidan threw his portion of yams. Kakuzu was about to throw the content of his water glass when--

"NO FOOD FIGHTS!" Pein yelled. "You know the rules-- take it outside!"

The immortal partners stood up and walked to the hallway and started wrestling.

Deidara giggled. "That looks _so _wrong," he said.

"It does," agreed Itachi. "Who's got a video camera?"

"There's one in the wall of this room and that one, both on. We can re-watch it later," Pein chuckled.

Everyone watched Hidan and Kakuzu grapple for a few more minutes, chewing silently.

Deidara turned to Sasori. "Hey, Sasori no Danna? What about you?"

"What _about _me?" Sasori replied.

"What did your family do on Thanksgiving?" Deidara nudged.

"Well..." Sasori said, "Chiyo-baachan would always puppeteer the turkey onto the table instead of carrying it. Actually, now that I think of it, that's how I thought of making puppets out of people. Wtaching that turkey dance around the stuffing and the yams..."

"My family didn't celebrate Thanksgiving, un," Deidara laughed. "My dad, well... he didn't approve of it. Said it was a waste of money..."

"IT IS!" Kakuzu yelled from the hallway, where he was currently straddling Hidan, who was struggling and swearing

"HEY YOU GREEDY BSTRD!!! GET THE (bleep) OFFA ME!"

"No."

Itachi looked at this scene and smirked. He turned to Pein.

"Leader-sama, may I have a copy of the tape?"

Pein smirked as well, and nodded. "Only if you le us watch it with you."

"Agreed!" Kisame said. Everyone at the table (sans Itachi) cheered.

"Yes, Thanksgiving was nothing like this in the Uchiha district..." Itachi said.

"Be glad your family were who they were," Hidan said, walking back in woith his clothing and hair both rumpled, followed by Kakuzu who was grinnning evilly. This sight made everyone wonder what they had missed.

"I was never glad of my family," Itachi hissed angrily, "That's why I had no regret killing them all."

"Exactly," Hidan laughed weakly, "At least YOURS can (bleep)ing die! Mine are still alive and they will be for all eternity... consider yourself lucky."

"Are they that bad?" Kakuzu chuckled. "Your family?"

Hidan nodded. "My mom's a psycho bitch--"

"So are you," Kakuzu countered.

"Shut the (bleep) up. She's always cleaning everything! Cleaning, cleaning, cleaning-- ARRGH! Damn neat freak." Hidan made a face. "My dad, he's the opposite. He's a greasy (bleep)ing pig. And then there's my sister."

"You have a sister?" Kisame asked. "Younger or older?"

"Older," Hidan grumbled, "But only by five minutes! We're twins."

"You have a twin sister?" Kakuzu questioned. "Now _there's_ something I'd like to see. What's she like?"

"(beep)ing perfect. And that's the problem," Hidan muttered. "Little miss doesn't get blood everywhere during evening prayers. _'Hidan! You've bled all over the carpet again! You'll have to champoo the whole thing yourself, since we sacrificed the carpet cleaner last weak! _Hidako_ bled on the couch. Why can't you be more like her?' _MAYBE I DON'T WANNA BE LIKE HER!" Hidan yelled.

"So you live in her shadow?" Itachi ventured. _'Heh. The feminine older sibling ALWAYS wins,' _he thought. _'Which is why Sasuke can't beat me.'_

"... No..." Hidan said. "I DON'T LIVE IN HER (bleep)ING SHADOW! Damn Hidako... I hate her so (bleep)ing much."

"Now, now," Kisame said. "She is still your sister. Shouldn't you be a little more accepting?"

"Imagine! She's probably all alone in the world with no one to talk to! And the one person she likes, her little brother, thinks of her as his most hated person. That's too sad. WAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Everyone stared at Itachi.

"Sasori-Danna?" Deidara whispered to his partner. "Did Itachi just say what I _think_ he just said?"

"I think so," Sasori whispered back.

Itachi noticed everyone staring at him. He shot them his best death glare, but since he was tearing up it didn't do much good.

"What?" he asked, sounding miserable. "I miss when my brother looked up to me..."

"Don't feel bad!" said Tobi, running into the dining room from his room, where he had been having his own Thanksgiving dinner with his stuffed animals (Zetsu's idea).

"I look up to you, Itachi-sempai!"

Itachi flicked where he assumed Tobi forehead was, sending the masked man into the wall.

"I guess I do feel a little better now," he admitted, sniffing. "I'm glad we're doing this Thankgiving thing. Thanks for the idea, Kisame."

Everyone else thought of the nostalgic conversations, good food, and the promise of a tape of Kakuzu torturing Hidan, then nodded.

Speaking of Hidan...

"OTOOOOOUTOOOO!" A blonde girl ran in and tackled Hidan. "HERE YOU ARE!" she yelled. "I WAS LOOKING (bleep)ING EVERYWHERE FOR YOU!" the girl shook Hidan's shoulder roughly. "C'MON! MOM MADE HER FAMOUS TURKEY!"

"But- but Hidako-neesan--" Hidan was silence as his sister started choking him. "You're coming with me!" she grinned evilly. "Oh, it's been so (bleep)ing long since I got to cause you pain! I'm gonna enjoy this."

"Isn't that what little brothers are for?" Itachi said.

"Wow," Hidako gazed critically at the red-eyed raven. "Cute _and _smart. Not common in the same package." she choked her brother tighter, then reached in her pants pocket and gave Itachi a card. "Here. Call me. EVIl NEESAN AWAY!"

Hidako let go of Hidan, grabbed his right ankle, and ran in the direction from whence she came. Hidan's cussing could be heard for five minutes straight.

Kakuzu stared after her. He was in awe. "Such... sadistic... brutality. Itachi, can I have that number...?"

"Hell no."

111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111

Well, that's a wrap! Sorry about Hidako sue-ishness. I just had to put that... sorry.

Please review and tell me: Was this any good? Should I continue writing these? I might do a Christmas one later... and post it on Christmas if course XD.

Please: Press the happy purple button! Which depending, on your computer style might not be purple at all! Tell me what you think!


End file.
